lördag, januari 31, 2009

A year in the palm of my hand.

I really can't remember whether it was last night or the night before.

My jaw was clenched tightly. The pain shot engulfed my teeth and ascended through my gum, slowly turning into a fierce headache over the next half-second. I couldn't grasp the nature of what was happening, yet I kept my jaw violently clenched. That was my focus. To keep it closed, hurting.

A crack. Something that split the foundation of tooth.

I opened my mouth and felt how my teeth started to crumble. Not all of them at once, and not all of them extremely, but one specifically. And it started falling apart. It did not hurt any more. Perhaps I didn't care about the pain, and my brain cencored that part of me.

My hand instinctively flew up to my mouth, pushing, holding the tooth to it's place. A slight hint of panic settled, or unsettled, within me. And all the while, as I held on harder I found it significantly tougher to keep the small dead white piece from crumbling apart.

And at last, I lowered my hand only to find in it a whole, root and all, shining white tooth. Less than a second passed before I blinked in calm confusion.

Then I woke up.

fredag, januari 30, 2009

brännö serenad

Och vad vet du om kärleken,
förrän du förgäves hatat den.
Och vad vet du om när hjärtat kan bränna
för kärlek som aldrig kan dö
men inte heller leva.

torsdag, januari 29, 2009

blaha, kind of

There are few people that I actually miss. Most of the time, when someone I’ve spent time with drops out of my life, I hardly react more than spending a thought or two for that person. I don’t know why, but for some reason it doesn’t affect me.

Some do though.

And how I miss them.

onsdag, januari 28, 2009

Only liars, but we’re the best.

My friend Felix just left. The small room became very large all of a sudden. And my phone is just laying still, unliving, in front of me.


Except for the hollow music blasting out of my speakers.

I almost, just almost, feel, just perhaps a bit lonely.


I humbly apologize... no, wait. Make excuses. I humbly make excuses.

It's not even February and I'm already slacking with the blog. I'm almost making myself dissappionted. More often than not though, there are legitimate reasons.

Take last weekend for example. Two days without a word.

And what did I do?

I was standing in line for tickets for the Bruce Springsteen concert(s) in June. Almost no sleep, but I'm not complaining.

But nw i need toget bak twork... zzz

måndag, januari 26, 2009

In My Place, by Coldplay

I was lost, oh yeah.

fredag, januari 23, 2009

Friday night out

Tell me, is it ever not just right? Sitting next to your dear one, watching Hugh Grant make an ass of himself over and over again infront of Julia Roberts while she smiles her upsidedown-smile at his ever so cheesy charm. A handful of chips, perhaps some soda and a couple of blankets and pillows.

It is a friday night and I really don't mind not being out partying or dancing. Although one could always arrange a little dancing if one wanted to.

And Entourage might spice things up too.

It is nice.

Surreal. But nice.

No, of course I’m not fake

There are 7 profiles on facebook, all claiming to be the profiles of Natalie Portman.

Should they not do anything a bit more productive?

torsdag, januari 22, 2009


I’m quite hooked on Entourage.

Vinnie Chase is quite alright, although E is my favourite. He is the one having it together, getting things done. He is actually the one getting the good girls, despite Vincent’s million dollar hair.

Anyhow, Entourage rocks.

onsdag, januari 21, 2009


15 months ago I went to a party.

I brought a date to that party.

Kevin + 1

15 months later, wherever I go, it is still Kevin + 1

Revolutionary Road

Now this movie I’d like to see.

tisdag, januari 20, 2009

All my friends

Click after click I slowly sink into a deep melancholy that can only disappear through writing.

They smile, laugh, dance. They grow, befriend and after some time learn to love the people around them. They talk, they think, they feel, they speak, they live.

And through the computer screen I watch them.

So many lives that I have graced. So many different souls that have graced me. And never will they become more than that. Only acquainted, condemned to live not together with, but out of reach of these individuals.

And as I watch them, I feel that I should have never let go of them. I should have been there, even if only around the outskirts. But I should I have been present in some way.

Perhaps there is some way back.

Most probably not.

måndag, januari 19, 2009

A job for a real man.

A job.

In the sunny down-under land of Australia. Six months on an Island, feeding fishes, cleaning a pool, delivering mail, writing, blogging, exploring, taking pictures and all the while getting quite a salary for it.

I might… I just might, apply for the job.

Should I?

söndag, januari 18, 2009


And on the plate today?

Gomorra. The movie.

A moving picture based upon the bestselling novel by Roberto Saviano.

fredag, januari 16, 2009


I am still young and full of vigor.

I just wrestled my father to submission earlier.


torsdag, januari 15, 2009

23, by Jimmy Eat World

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

Bonaparte himself


And there he hangs, day after day, watching out for ghosts and other menaces.

I must say, I do feel quite safe.

Wouldn’t you?

quite too early…

So Josefine just ran off. She has school, and thought she’d bring me down with her this early morning. Now I’m up at 08.08 with nothing to do and nowhere to be, except I don’t want to go back to sleep.


Nothing at all

I did actually not plan this day to be as eventful as it turned out to be. And even though I only spent about 20 minutes outside my apartment today, I have been very social and have had quite fun.

I spent the first half of today talking with my friend Bilal on the phone. After lunch (4 pm?) he came over and we talked some more.

This evening Josefine joined me and we have, until now, been playing the computer game Spore (from the developers of The Sims).

All great fun, while my blog went neglected.

Sorry guys.

See you tomorra’.

onsdag, januari 14, 2009

Fake Empire, by The National

I first heard this song, and saw this video a long time ago on a blog I follow quite intently. When he posted it, he wrote “The National Fake Empire”.

I thought that was the title of a movie, and that the video was a trailer.

For about 30 seconds, maybe I minute, I really wanted to see the movie “The National Fake Empire”.

What a title, aye?

Hear hear.



I don’t know if it is even possible, but if you have for any reason missed that I flew to London over the weekend, you may now feel stupid.

And though words at times might be found superfluous, you are so lucky that I do take pictures.

Enjoy.  blogg_london3blogg_london4 blogg_london5blogg_london7   blogg_london6blogg_london8 blogg_london1

tisdag, januari 13, 2009

a little vanity never hurt anyone

blogg.coat1Just  an outfit composed with the clothes bought in London (some of many clothes, you should know). Hopefully, I won’t find myself walking down the street next week feeling as if I’m dressed the way everyone else is.

I mean,  these clothes aren’t the most original ones, but they’re quite special and different even though they’re basic. Small quirks, details. Individuality in the design. And then again, they are all from London!blogg.redgray

Anyhow, I’m really satisfied with my purchases and I’m not at all focusing on the fact that my wallet is quite empty. Okay, not quite, but really completely empty.

Ah well, I have my clothes and my health.

I’ll live.

just, thoughts

I could really imagine moving there some day. Moving there, and perhaps staying. It’s expensive, it’s small, the air is bad, the streets are crowded, the weather condition is seldom ideal.

Yet I really fell in love with London.

As I thought I would.

Perhaps one could rent a small apartment, probably one or less rooms, forced to eat less than a meter from where you piss. But I wouldn’t mind. I could study literature, write, go out, take strolls around Hyde Park. I wouldn’t mind.

Or at least that is what I’m telling myself.

I can write here. I can study. I know people here, I know the town, my town. I’m comfortable with the time the buses and trains go, how the grocery stores look and smells and how my Swedish milk tastes.

My life is here.

So how come I feel really drawn to something else? Is it boredom? A search for something, anything, new?

Why London? Why not the States? Or Australia?

I enjoyed my stay. I really enjoyed London. Extremely, immensely, deeply, with passion.

Boy is back in town (?)

So I’m back from London.

Arrived yesterday and still haven’t settled.

Just let me unpack and I’ll tell you all about it.


torsdag, januari 08, 2009


And we’re off to London!

tisdag, januari 06, 2009


The distance from one person to the other.

Sometimes I really don’t know. That is how well I can formulate it at the moment. I just don’t know.

What is it that drives people?

The simulation of a vacuum within your chest. And it is not empty, but it is there. You don’t want to be where you are but you can’t seem to rise from the hard wooden seat. It does not matter at all how uncomfortable it makes you. The world around you is yours and more likely than not, you will not try to change that fact.

The achievement of something great.

To set me free. To release the pressure, to fill the hole. To paint the heart red and the mind white.

I want the image in the mirror to be me.

To write ones heart out in the manner of words, houses, pictures, laughs. To embody yourself in the cheap quality rooms of the new mental hospital. To express your spirit through the loving faces of your wife and children.

I want to find myself in the life I have chosen.

The Middle, by Jimmy Eat World

söndag, januari 04, 2009


So all this unhealthyness has taken its toll on me.

I vomited last night.

For the first time in I don’t know how many years. Ten, maybe.


lördag, januari 03, 2009

Let's get retarded

So yes, I might have slept around 4-5 hours a night these last two days.

But it's not that bad.

The customers are problably nothing but amused to hear me inform them of the price as if I am making it up as I go along.

"Yes... (uhm) that is... (hmm) threehundred and... thirty... nine." (I promise)

And I'm doing just fine. My mind is not at all on the road to retardation.

Customer: "Is there anywhere I could wrap this?"
Me: "..."
After three seconds
Me: "Mm, yes? Right down there behind the crime section." Smile.


Ah, I'll be fine.

Pills. Pills is the answer.

well, everyone else is writing something, so I guess I really don’t have a choice…

At two in the morning of the third day of this new year, I’m sitting in front of the computer with little, if any, motivation to sleep. From the speakers flows the melancholy tunes of “To Wish Impossible Things”, sung by the oh so angst-filled band The Cure.

It really does not feel like the beginning of a new year. Or the beginning of anything, for that matter.

I wish it did. Then I would write about that instead. I would write about everything that the new year would mean to me, how it would feel.

I would write about the old year, and how it has been a year like no other. Really like no other. I would write that there is no other year that I wished would be over so quickly. It feel as if all I did was wait. Wait for it to be over.

So now it’s over. And I can’t feel it.

Well, I have two resolutions for this coming year.

1. Write everyday. Write once everyday in the blog, and write either in my notes of the novel or on the actual novel.
2. Exercise at least 2 days each week (except under special circumstances as me travelling or such).

Hear hear.

torsdag, januari 01, 2009

Happy New Year everyone!