Barba Non Facit Philosophum

New partner in crime

2009-04-21T20:20:00.001+02:00

From here on you'll find us at http://ourlazydays.blogspot.com

Tuesday afternoon

2009-04-21T17:03:00.001+02:00

- Come look, she said quite harshly.
- I’m coming, I said still sitting.

She had lined up all her colour pens, placing them all next to one another. Gray, violet, orange, pink, viridian, light blue, marine blur, dark blue, maroon.

I chuckled.

- It’s so you.
- What, the colours?
- Yeah, the colours, I said.

The colours. And everything else.

How I love her.

The taste of summer

2009-04-21T15:10:00.000+02:00

Thou Shalt Comment!

2009-04-21T01:10:00.001+02:00

Anyone heard of Facebook?

Yeah?

Compare people?

Out of 24 people, 66% believes me to be a better potential father than whoever they compared me with. 87% of the 16 people to answer reckons me to be hotter than someone.

85%, 6/7 claims that I am “more powerful”.

…

Let’s do that.

Overdramatized, yessir

2009-04-20T23:28:00.001+02:00

…and now I’ve stood emotionally naked long enough to keep my feelings at bay for the rest of the year. So expect nothing more from me now, alright? I’ve emptied the bottomless pit that is the dark undiscovered side of my heart.

Oka’?

…

2009-04-20T23:05:00.001+02:00

I hate crying.

Contradictions

2009-04-20T22:33:00.001+02:00

I basically feel like shit. I look great though.

More or less.

I am, and perhaps always will be, incongruous. I will rarely hold only one colour, even if I appear to. As with my appearance (but that’s a whole other sub-chapter). If I appear to be leaning towards one side of the board, you can always rely on the fact that I am just as much on the other side as well.

Well, not always.

Exceptions are made of course, subconsciously, and she knew me. Saw all my colours, even though she would not admit some of them for herself .

And it is really too good. Everything about it.

So obviously I take a huge, stupid swing that upsets the whole order of things.

Will it ever be the same?

When You Were Young

2009-04-20T14:38:00.002+02:00

I think it stopped when I was 11, perhaps 12. We moved that year, I think I had just turned 11. Early January, very gray as always, hardly any snow. Everything I owned was in boxes, except for Costner. I think I'll always carry him, no matter how old I am. I remember our big black car, the hurse as my grandfather calls it, packed with boxes as well as people for a change.

I really did not know where we were heading, absent-minded as I am. Mother and father knew. They had been there a few times, made sure everything was right. As kids me and my siblings never knew much of what was going on.

For the first time in my life I was going to have my own room, and perhaps it was time to grow up as well. That first night in the new apartment was spent on a mattress next to the un-assembled bed with the one and only to me familiar item, Costner. All the other stuffed animals were nowhere to be found, and when I finally discovered where they had been boxed and stored, I had grown out of my old habit.

But that first night my bed felt so empty. I could no longer stack them all next to and on top of each other to create an impenetrable wall of good-intentioned stuffed animals. For the first time since I could remember, I had nothing to protect me at night would someone (a stranger or theif, most likely) enter my room with bad intentions.

So I lay there, at the cold mattress in the middle of the room, naked at all sides.

Perhaps from that moment I started to slowly, securly, grow up.

Wishlist

2009-04-20T10:13:00.001+02:00

What I would have done if I had not worked today.

5

2009-04-20T08:45:00.001+02:00

5 albums on my iPod:
Viva La Vida (Coldplay)
Boxer (The National)
Oh, Inverted World (The Shins)
Soviet Kitsch (Regina Spektor)
Born To Run (Bruce Springsteen)

5 movies I’ve watched recently:
Garden State
The Land Before Time
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith
V For Vendetta

5 nice things that has happened recently:
I caught myself really enjoying my work.
I kissed a lovely girl.
I acquired an iPhone!
I felt the love of a friend halfway around the globe.
Spring has arrived!

5 mp3-files on my playlist:
Just Watch The Fireworks (Jimmy Eat World – Clarity)
Heart (Stars – Heart)
Kissing The Lipless (The Shins – Chutes Too Narrow)
Vy Från Ett Luftslott (Kent – Tillbaka Till Samtiden)
Disloyal Order Of Water Buffaloes (Fall Out Boy – Folie A Deux)

5 books I’ve read recently:
The Rules Of Attraction (Bret Easton Ellis)
Less Than Zero (Bret Easton Ellis)
The Graveyard Book (Neil Gaiman)
Arthur, King Of The Middle March (Kevin Crossley-Holland)
Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)

Sunday night

2009-04-19T21:48:00.002+02:00

"Friends", some fruit salad, ice cream and Swedish Easter "must". Perhaps I'll write something more later.

Until then.

...

2009-04-19T20:33:00.001+02:00

The shitty shitty day keeps getting better.

How... Convenient

2009-04-18T22:06:00.002+02:00

I'm blogging from my iPhone again, too lazy to start my computer (or perhaps it's just too darn convenient this blogging right from my palm).

"Brottet och straffet" on SVT 1. Watch it. Saturdays at 9.30 pm.

Always

2009-04-18T10:37:00.002+02:00

I always snooze until the last moment. And Her being here does not make that any easier, so now I'm in a bit of a hurry...

However, after work today I'll stop by MacSupport to look for something to protect my new baby (which I'm currently writing from).

Any suggestions?

Entertainment

2009-04-18T01:20:00.002+02:00

I'm currently blogging from my new media player/phone! I've been playing around with this little piece of heaven all night. I'm completely in love with it, the music player, the menu, everything. And just the whole touch phenomenon!

Hopefully, I won't get tired of it too soon.

iLike

2009-04-17T22:44:00.001+02:00

I just bought a new lovely iPhone.

Excuse me, I just have to play with it for a moment.

…a friend with weed is better, a friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who’s dressed in leather…

2009-04-16T14:36:00.001+02:00

I want to take the few very close friends I have, the ones here next to me as well as the ones half way across the globe, and get them all together in one place with me.

I want them to be a part of my life, see them everyday.

But that will never happen. Because they are all so different, so apart from the others. And even though that, the personal bond I have with each of them separately, is what I cherish more than anything, I would still want to not have them mutually exclusive.

…we would be paying for the import of foreign products instead of trying to actively minimize the effects of the crisis, which is not as I see it a good way to handle…

2009-04-16T11:58:00.001+02:00

I’ve recently discovered the joy of watching the news on television. Just yesterday I found myself relaxed on the couch in front of the big screen watching Anders Borg, the Swedish minister of finance, have a presentation about the economy crisis and how to best approach it.

I could have watched something else. Something closer to what we call entertainment tv. But I didn’t.

…

Oh my god, am I growing up?

When you do as I say.

2009-04-15T19:20:00.001+02:00

Flight of the Conchords

2009-04-13T22:52:00.001+02:00

For my lovely collegue Sofia, as we talked about it. Here they are, ready to blow your mind. ;)

Tonight

2009-04-09T21:27:00.001+02:00

If you’re at Slussen between 11.00 pm and 03.00 am, come visit me!

So You Think You Know Art

2009-04-08T01:24:00.001+02:00

It might not be perfect, but it’s just a piece that inspires me so incredibly, so completely. Even though they are far from the perfection of real, so to speak, ballet dancers, I cannot deny this routine a place in my heart.

2009-04-06T21:25:00.001+02:00

Everyone is acting like idiots. I hate it. I can’t stand it.

Come hither

2009-04-04T17:24:00.001+02:00

A pocket for 9 kr. That's insane.

Half price on the regular (already ridiculously cheap) sale.

That's insane.

Insanity currently rules Akademibokhandeln.

I love dreaming

2009-04-01T12:37:00.001+02:00

I could have woken up earlier. About two hours earlier. But I didn’t. I kept deliberately trying to fall asleep as soon as my my mind became conscious of the pillows under my head.

I wanted to keep dreaming.

Over the past weeks, I’ve experienced quite dreamless nights. Woken up remembering nothing of what my brain let me see during my sleep. This morning, however, I woke up with the clearest picture of what had just happened. The people in front of me, the events, the feelings.

And I really didn’t want to let it go.

I fell asleep again, in my stupidity, and as one always does after reaching the dream land so soon after leaving it, I dreamt of something completely different.

Yet almost as interesting.

This continued for two hours. Dreaming. Waking up. Dreaming. And so on.

Read all about it!

2009-03-19T14:04:00.001+01:00

Tonight Sickla is “re-opening”. It probably means that everything is the same except for the fact that we’re open until 10 pm tonight. Oh, and we might have some special offers or something similar.

So anyhow, I’m working from 5 to 10 pm and You should visit me. Just drop by, say hi and buy a book.

Okay?

It’s a date.

…

2009-03-17T23:08:00.001+01:00

You’ll have to excuse me.

I just don’t have the energy right now.

#3

2009-03-13T22:27:00.001+01:00

I just love this picture.

…

2009-03-12T22:19:00.001+01:00

Can’t swallow. Contemplate on this for a moment.

Great.

You could have knocked me out with a feather

2009-03-12T21:54:00.001+01:00

and perhaps I shouldn’t think that way but I just can’t seem to make myself think of something else because it’s really just me, how I am and even though I’ve considered going to a shrink it’s nothing that I think a lot about and it would probably cost money that I don’t have and maybe it’s not that bad maybe it’s just normal and nothing that I have to be concerned about because I am after all young and quite volatile as one could express it.

Panodil Zapp

2009-03-11T21:35:00.001+01:00

Hands Clean is what Spotify chose to throw at me. Clicking through photos of a wedding. Remind myself that I have no connection to the people in the pictures whatsoever, except for the photographer who I only know of through his blog. Feel distant for a second.

Not really knowing what I want to have said, I write.

Marriage. No. Wedding.

I feel that I want to be older, and I want someone I know to marry. A wedding. And I’m invited. They’re perfect for each other, and everyone’s happy. I’m taking pictures. They’re smiling. I’m laughing.

A need to be a part of something important. A significant part of an important event. Need?

Desire?

#2

2009-03-11T21:05:00.001+01:00

090311

2009-03-11T16:22:00.001+01:00

Counting Crows. Holiday In Spain. Wake up. Reach for the phone. She wakes up. Give her the phone. Cuddle another half our, then she has to get up. I’m sick, staying in bed. Walk around, watch her eat breakfast. Happy, talked last night and it’s fine.

She leaves as dad comes home. A car window is broken, he needs help covering it. I eat breakfast, feel better. Pop some pills, drink some water. Shower. It feels good, clean. Perhaps I can go out tomorrow.

2 1/2 men. I should read. American Psycho. Ellis fascinates me. I think about how he portrays the completely insane in such low-profile, everyday situations. Less Than Zero still on my mind. I need to write.

I’m not a movie star. No one will ever know my face.

Tuesday

2009-03-10T21:39:00.001+01:00

So it turns out I’m sick. Again. Headaches, fever and so on.

I have however spent time on (other than resting) painting. Placed the background layer for my second oil painting. It looks quite simple and childish, but if it turns out as planned, it will be a lot less simplistic when it’s finished.

Pictures will come!

#1

2009-03-09T22:29:00.001+01:00

please, feel free to feel sorry for me

2009-03-09T21:07:00.001+01:00

Hate.

Being.

Sick.

pretty please?

2009-03-08T23:03:00.001+01:00

Scary.

It’s really creeping me out.

Just me, really, but still.

I do not, really really do not, enjoy anonymous comments.

It suggests that the person commenting have reasons not to reveal their identity (to the author of the blog?).

If you have to then sure, go ahead.

I just… wish you wouldn’t.

Stupid headache

2009-03-08T22:55:00.001+01:00

My mind is not black.

Just heavy.

I try to carry it, my muscles tightening around my spine and neck, but it still hangs. And I end up with a cramp. My muscles cramp, and can’t hold on to my head anymore. It hangs, heavy as it is, with me not able to carry it properly.

And it is tearing.

Perhaps it might snap. My neck can only take so much. And I’m afraid, a little scared that it might not endure. Stupid, meaningless headache. It appeared out of nowhere. Stress? Not enough sleep?

Fear itself, inviting a headache, inviting fear.

I try to lean, resting my head temporarily on the desk in front of me. I should go to sleep. If I’m lucky, it will disappear. Become the nothingness I wish it to be.

Yet I fear it not being nothing.

And so I, in my desperation, tighten my muscles.

Sometimes,

2009-03-05T22:41:00.001+01:00

I wish:

I would spend a lot more time on writing every day.
I would exercise more often.
That I knew what was worth investing my heart in.
I would spend an afternoon organizing all of my pictures, placing them in different files according to date.
I would paint more.
I would save even more money than I do now.
I had more money.
That I will find the last drop of courage and insanity to just pack my bags and travel without so much as a map in my back pocket.
I could feel more passionate about some things, and less passionate about other things.
I would lose my sensibility and just stay up all night, writing.
All my friends lived closer to me, so that I could just knock on their door if I wanted to do something.
That I won’t have to wish all these things as the years go by.

The show must go on

2009-03-05T00:40:00.001+01:00

Writer’s block?

Perhaps.

Drained of inspiration and thoughts?

Never.

“Heart”, by Stars

2009-03-02T21:23:00.001+01:00

The hard rock god he never had a chance you know,
incurable romantics never do.
He held a flame I wasn’t born to carry,
I’ll leave the dying young stuff up to you.

You get back on the latest flight to paradise-
I found out from a note taped to the door.
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight,
through my window lying on the kitchen floor.

All right, I can say what you want me too.
All right, I can do all the things you do.
All right, I’ll make it all up for you.

I’m still in love with you.
I’m still in love with you.

thoughts…

2009-03-01T01:14:00.001+01:00

Life has turned out quite strange for me. Not as I thought it would just two years ago.

A complete turn of direction.

Scary.

And when he had finished laughing, they all sang the Outdoor Song for Snowy Weather the rest of the way home

2009-02-27T13:02:00.001+01:00

The snow is melting outside. Now and then a group of clouds pass by, temporarily covering the sky and the sun, casting cold shadows on the earth beneath.

Just a few days ago the world was soft and white. I was at the top floor of my sisters school, by the window, looking out over the landscape. The trees, the lake, the buildings. I felt a stab of regret that I had not brought my camera, wishing that I could immortalise that image.

As I walked home later, the world around me was not as it usually is. Great clouds covered the sky completely, and yet it had never been brighter outside. I felt calm, light and serene.

I went home with a smile on my face, the air fresh as never before in my lungs.

Everything was muffled, as if the snow took away all the sharp edges of the world. Even the usually sharp bell of the tram sounded soft and cosy. Nothing was quite as bad as it usually was, and through the cold and the almost running nose and the slippery ground, it was a warm and welcoming day. None of the other things mattered.

I felt alive like never before.

boring break

2009-02-26T17:32:00.002+01:00

I'm at work.

I did not want to take a break right now. I wanted to wait.

"The Rules of Attraction" is at home, forgotten, probably on my bed or something.

So what have I done during the last 25 minutes?

Nothing.

“Best Of You”, by Foo Fighters

2009-02-25T23:30:00.001+01:00

ten to three, then seven to two

2009-02-23T18:25:00.001+01:00

Phew.

I just woke up.

A bit tired still though. Clearly I need more sleep. Got kind of late last night (as always?) So now I’m off to work, again. Not the same work though, earlier today I carried boxes. Now I’m going to be standing behind a counter from 00.00 am to 01.30 am.

It is the Book Sale.

Awesome!

2009-02-21T16:50:00.001+01:00

Word.

Friday I’m in love

2009-02-20T16:44:00.001+01:00

Today is one of those days.

A day that feels so full of potential that you can hardly do anything about it. Not a cloud in sight, the sun is shining, reflected blindingly in the white, perfect snow.

I want to paint, write, move, run, fly, laugh, jump, cry, travel, build, break, take, give, smile- live.

Everything at once.

So now I need to focus, make the best out of this energy, and not let it fade away in random ranting.

Congratulations... or?

2009-02-18T01:52:00.004+01:00

I'm reading this article about a boy (Alfie, 13) and a girl (Chantelle, 15) who recently had a baby together.

All I can think of is how insane that is.

Completely mind blowingly insane.

The boy looks as if he's 10 years old and apparently, he had sex for the first time when he was 12. 12, for heavens sake! I'm sure that must be illegal. There is no way 12-year-old kids should even have thoughts about sex.

And still, apparently, they have these thoughts.

Now Alfie has a baby girl. A 13-year-old boy who has no clue about the first thing when it comes to sex, and holds even less knowledge concerning being a father.

This is just... messed up.

Completely wicked, in the non-cool way.

!

2009-02-16T22:02:00.001+01:00

Just… a sec. Too much happening.

<3 #2

2009-02-15T23:15:00.002+01:00

My valentines was not very red. There were no roses, no candy hearts, no dorky half-witty cards with hearts or flowers on it. It was not very splendid.

It was simple.

It was simple, relaxed and spent with the one person I wanted to be with. We met up with two great friends, bought clothes at great prices and grabbed a cup of hot chocolate together before we parted.

After that I made a great dinner. Chicken fillet and rice, a sauce made of coconut sauce, banana, random spices and Tabasco (don't tell her!).

We finished the night with a bit of reminiscing in my room, going through my book shelves, folding clothes and such. It was quite wonderful.

It really was.

<3

2009-02-14T16:35:00.001+01:00

Happy Valentines.

Now I’m going to plan a dinner for two.

Chicken, perhaps?

Fission Mailed

2009-02-13T16:07:00.001+01:00

I wanted to post a video here. Right here. A video, with a song from the artist known as PlayRadioPlay! However, I’ve realised something.

Most people who listens to this artist is slightly… how should I put it… mentally deranged (?). The songs are great. A bit childish in the all American puppy love kind of childish, but still quite great.

PlayRadioPlay!’s founder is not a very famous little 19 year old, and thus his music does not come with any videos.

Unfortunately his music tends to draw those little “high-in-the-sky” indie turds. And they make weird music videos (with colourful drawing and other such creepy elements).

So let’s skip that…

A sickness in my head, a pile of clothes in my bed.

2009-02-13T14:59:00.001+01:00

Just as this day has been blessed with a lovely weather, my body feels as close to recovery as it has been all week. I’ve therefore decided to celebrate.

You know what I’m planning?

Oh yes.

A thorough sweep of my room. Going through papers, throwing away anything I deem unnecessary for me to possess, refolding all of the clothes in my closet.

Fun stuff like that, yes.

Good night

2009-02-13T00:20:00.001+01:00

Someone just sent me a so called mms.

Now that we like.

!

2009-02-12T21:38:00.001+01:00

I am completely bored with myself.

Want.

To.

Get.

Out.

Ghouls and night-gaunts

2009-02-11T23:02:00.001+01:00

‘For a moment Bod felt protective – the gravestones were his, weren’t they? – and then he realized how foolish he was being, and he thought that there were things that might be more fun done in the sunlight with a friend. He said, “Yes.”
     They copied down names from tombstones, Scarlett helping Bod pronounce unfamiliar names and words, Bod telling Scarlett what the Latin meant, if he already knew, and it seemed much too soon when they heard a voice further down the hill shouting, “Scarlett!”
     The girl thrust the crayons and paper back at Bod. “I got to go,” she said.
     “I’ll see you next time,” said Bod. “Won’t I?”
     “Where do you live?” she asked.
     “Here,” he said. And he stood and watched her as she ran down the hill.’

Currently I am reading “The Graveyard Book” by Neil Gaiman. It is about Nobody (Bod for short") Owens, an orphan who is raised and cared for by the spirits of the graveyard of his hometown.

I don’t want to reveal the plot of the novel, but it is highly entertaining and I’d suggest that anyone who has the time should read it.

Comprende?

A video of a meteor of 500 km striking the earth

2009-02-11T12:28:00.001+01:00

(stolen from http://metrobloggen.se/ettliviexil)

I’ve always found it kind of amusing, how egocentric we all are. If a meteor with enough power to cause irreversible damage would strike any planet in our galaxy, it would of course be our planet, the Earth.

We, the humans, are the centre of events and should something happen, it has to do with us.

It’s quite silly, isn’t it? Worrying about such an event actually taking place. And I’m not saying that we are all walking around, worrying about our planet blowing up or stop turning.

Just remember, the Earth is not the only planet.

Oh-kay?

00.15 am or 03.45 am?

2009-02-10T23:13:00.001+01:00

Hmm… the question now is;

Do is brush my teeth, or get something to eat?

I’m really just right in between those two alternatives.

Complaining, part 2.

2009-02-10T22:41:00.001+01:00

Actually, all this physical bullshit is okay. The sneezing, the coughing, the reduced stamina and strength. All of that is of course very annoying and endlessly unwanted, yet it is not the worst part of being sick.

When you’re sick then you have to, more often than not, stay at home as the days just pass you by.

That I hate. I despise just sitting at home without even the possibility of it being healthy placing my foot outside the door. Now, my condition is not that bad but I am one of those regular Joe’s who try to do whatever they can to stay sick as short a period of time as possible.

And, more often than not, this island life drains me of my inspiration. I don’t feel like writing or reading or taking pictures or drawing or even building a house on The Sims 2.

It’s horrible!

“17 år”, by Veronica Maggio

2009-02-10T20:47:00.001+01:00

Quite ironically, the only song I’ve enjoyed with her.

It’s just… it invokes emotions that, if truth be told, I have no connection to. Weird.

Complaining, part 1.

2009-02-10T19:27:00.001+01:00

I utterly and completely despise being sick. Walking around (or sit around, more accurately) snivelling like a madman is not something I enjoy. It sounds as if I’m constantly trying to recuperate from crying. I can’t breathe properly, much less fall asleep (and stay asleep) feeling comfortable and relaxed.

It.

Sucks.

“Hometown Glory”, by Adele

2009-02-09T19:25:00.001+01:00

…

2009-02-09T13:35:00.001+01:00

Was it that I stayed up late every night? Slept too little, never kept myself warm enough?

I have a cold, and it’s just great!

A beautiful winter night.

2009-02-09T01:15:00.001+01:00

The white sand-like snow danced violently across the pavement, heading nowhere, everywhere. I was surprised to notice that the wind did not bother me. There was not even so much as a concern over whether the fact that I did not have a scarf tightly wrapped around my neck would make me curse the winds for it’s wicked whipping ways.

Small pebbles crunched together in symphony with the snow as I conquered the ground previously in front of me. Not a thought went to what lay ahead of me.

Or perhaps one should say, what lay under me.

As I sped up, I felt the tinge of adrenaline linger at the edge of my mind. It felt comfortable, the reassuringly strong sensation of being able to carry on with something forever.

Then something terrible happened. I can with accuracy describe it as one of those moments where one knows exactly what is going to happen an instant before it happens, yet and instant too late to prevent it being that way.

It was as if the pebbles and snow had planned everything according to me specifically. A conspiracy, a small revolt against the phenomenon of being a rug for humanity (and especially that annoying boy almost jumping over there). Well, not almost. I took a leap just as I reached the peak of the hill I was making my way over. A great leap. The airtime was astounding, and I felt filled with vigour and life.

Until my feet touched the snow and pebbles.

Or what I thought was snow and pebbles.

The small, tiny specks of rock that had served as a lethal foundation towards the success of my activity had suddenly vanished. Left was me, the whirling snow just a moment earlier laying silently on the ground waiting for the impact of heavy boots.

Against snow and pebbles?

No.

My boots ploughed through the thin layer of white treachery only to be greeted by a hill completely conquered with devilish slippery ice.

Tricky.

Now I have a cut on my left hand (I am trained in the mysterious ways of Jui-jitsu, and thus able to quickly shield myself from any attacks, even those coming out from beneath me).

It felt as if the pebbles joined the fight after about half of the sliding distance.

Yay.

Cover of “Dizzy”, originally by Jimmy Eat World

2009-02-08T18:22:00.001+01:00

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it.
But it isn't meant for me, and I notice.
If the choice was ours alone,
then why did we both choose letting go?
Does it end like this?

Time never had a chance to heal your heart,
just a number always counting down to a new start.
If you always knew the truth,
then the world would spin around you.
Are you dizzy yet?

Respectfully, some honesty I'm a new calling out;
Do you hear this conversation we talk about?
Back away to the safety of a quiet house.
If there's a half a chance in this moment,
when your eyes meet mine, we show it off.

All talk not a lot to think we were living dreams.
Shame never crept close to our naked feet.
If there's something left to lose,
then don't let me wear out my shoes-
I'm still walking.

I tried, but it rang and rang, I called all night.
On a pay phone, remember those from another life?
If everything I meant to you,
you can lick and seal then fold in two,
then I've been so blind

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now;
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
Back away to safety of a quiet house.
If there's half a chance in this moment,
when your eyes meet mine, we show it off.

(Oh, Oh) take it all back, take the first, your last, your only.
(Oh, Oh) take it all back, take it all back, everything you showed me.
(Oh, Oh) this must be how it feels, when the feeling goes.
(Ooh)

I told you as I hovered I'd never felt this way.
You said: "I had the shot that stops my clock, baby it's ok".
You said you'd never have regrets,
Jesus! Is there someone yet who got that wish?
Did you get yours, babe?

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now;
Do you hear the conversation we talk around?
Back away to the safety of a quiet house.
If there's half a chance in this moment,
when your eyes meet mine we show it off.

"I think I'll have the... umm, let's go with the Pocket Picker Jumbo Meal."

2009-02-08T14:05:00.003+01:00

It sucks when you have to buy your own lunch. So much less expensive bringing your own. Today? 70kr thrown on something I could've had for free.

Now I'm not the cheap one, but this was just completely unnecessary.

sandpaper

2009-02-08T10:16:00.001+01:00

…my throat hurts. I might be on my way to the land of the sick and the young, and I want to complain.

Yet still I do not falter. I will soon be on my way to work, ready to provide Sweden (Sickla?) with the books they need. And if you’re as smart as I give you credit for being, then you know that Sweden needs me along with the books I provide for them.

Although, perhaps not Liza Marklund.

Or Jan Guillou.

“Everything”, by Lifehouse

2009-02-08T02:47:00.001+01:00

Find me here, speak to me.
I want to feel you, I need to hear you.
You are the light, that's leading me,
to the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose,

you're everything.

“Come on boy tell me what you’re thinking now…”

2009-02-08T01:11:00.001+01:00

Mind ghosts. Or mothmen, perhaps. Whatever it is that haunts my mind. A white glowing thread piercing the thick liquid darkness around that which is Time. Time, as in the combination of what has happened and what will take place.

It curves, and it keeps on jumping forward or turning backwards. It spins me around and throws me down, lifts me up just to leave me a finger length out of reach.

And no matter how much I stretch, regardless of my tries it will not straighten.

I will be left running in circles, thinking of the same things over and over and over and under and through until there is nothing left to do than to cry.

There is no avoiding it. There is no leaving it behind. It needs to be tended to. Handled.

It needs to be said.

blaha

2009-02-07T14:12:00.003+01:00

I want to change some things about my blog. I want to change things that concern the html code. And I hate any sort of code (it's a very personal, never-getting-over-it kind of grudge) so I'm kind of a stalemate with myself.

I need to sit down and learn that shit that I don't want to know. I don't want to have it in my mind, even less as a concern of mine.

Blah, can't someone write a program for blog portals which gives the user a complete way of modifying his or her blog visually?

Hmm.

Imagine some grunting and/or whining from me.

…and he saw that it was good

2009-02-06T18:11:00.001+01:00

If you’ve ever seen Inside the Actors Studio you know how great of a show it is. I just love seeing my favourite actors talking about themselves, their careers, what inspirers them and so on.

The part I enjoy the most is when the actors answer the ten questions (originally called the Proust Questionnaire, adapted by Bernard Pivot and perfected by James Lipton into the form used today on Inside the Actors Studio). Some day I’ll take a shot at the Proust Questionnaire, but for now this will be more than enough.

What is your favourite word?
Nescience
What is your least favourite word?
Maculate
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Purpose
What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Lack of integrity
What sound or noise do you love?
The moan of a delighted woman
What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of computers.
What is your favourite curse word?
Motherf…
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Screenplaywriter
What profession would you not like to do?
Computer programmer
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
With a smile; “The world is not going to be the same without you.”

time for heroes

2009-02-02T20:09:00.001+01:00

First of all, Springsteen in June. 1, or perhaps 3 days. Depending on how much money one wants to invest in that experience. Then summer comes and goes, and just as it ends Coldplay gives a small treat for us with tickets or with intentions to buy.

And in between? What does one do with all this time?

Ah, to be young again.

2009-02-01T10:59:00.002+01:00

Late night phone calls, Elizabethtown, long distance dreams and Night Drive with Jimmy Eat World. Youthful depression and childish insights.

Good old times, long gone times.

A year in the palm of my hand.

2009-01-31T23:47:00.003+01:00

I really can't remember whether it was last night or the night before.

My jaw was clenched tightly. The pain shot engulfed my teeth and ascended through my gum, slowly turning into a fierce headache over the next half-second. I couldn't grasp the nature of what was happening, yet I kept my jaw violently clenched. That was my focus. To keep it closed, hurting.

A crack. Something that split the foundation of tooth.

I opened my mouth and felt how my teeth started to crumble. Not all of them at once, and not all of them extremely, but one specifically. And it started falling apart. It did not hurt any more. Perhaps I didn't care about the pain, and my brain cencored that part of me.

My hand instinctively flew up to my mouth, pushing, holding the tooth to it's place. A slight hint of panic settled, or unsettled, within me. And all the while, as I held on harder I found it significantly tougher to keep the small dead white piece from crumbling apart.

And at last, I lowered my hand only to find in it a whole, root and all, shining white tooth. Less than a second passed before I blinked in calm confusion.

Then I woke up.

brännö serenad

2009-01-30T03:02:00.001+01:00

Och vad vet du om kärleken,
förrän du förgäves hatat den.
Och vad vet du om när hjärtat kan bränna
för kärlek som aldrig kan dö 
men inte heller leva.

blaha, kind of

2009-01-29T23:28:00.000+01:00

There are few people that I actually miss. Most of the time, when someone I’ve spent time with drops out of my life, I hardly react more than spending a thought or two for that person. I don’t know why, but for some reason it doesn’t affect me.

Some do though.

And how I miss them.

Only liars, but we’re the best.

2009-01-28T22:52:00.001+01:00

My friend Felix just left. The small room became very large all of a sudden. And my phone is just laying still, unliving, in front of me.

Silence.

Except for the hollow music blasting out of my speakers.

I almost, just almost, feel, just perhaps a bit lonely.

Maybe.

I humbly apologize... no, wait. Make excuses. I humbly make excuses.

2009-01-28T14:20:00.004+01:00

It's not even February and I'm already slacking with the blog. I'm almost making myself dissappionted. More often than not though, there are legitimate reasons.

Take last weekend for example. Two days without a word.

And what did I do?

I was standing in line for tickets for the Bruce Springsteen concert(s) in June. Almost no sleep, but I'm not complaining.

But nw i need toget bak twork... zzz

In My Place, by Coldplay

2009-01-26T23:32:00.001+01:00

I was lost, oh yeah.

Friday night out

2009-01-23T23:21:00.003+01:00

Tell me, is it ever not just right? Sitting next to your dear one, watching Hugh Grant make an ass of himself over and over again infront of Julia Roberts while she smiles her upsidedown-smile at his ever so cheesy charm. A handful of chips, perhaps some soda and a couple of blankets and pillows.

It is a friday night and I really don't mind not being out partying or dancing. Although one could always arrange a little dancing if one wanted to.

And Entourage might spice things up too.

It is nice.

Surreal. But nice.

No, of course I’m not fake

2009-01-23T02:26:00.001+01:00

There are 7 profiles on facebook, all claiming to be the profiles of Natalie Portman.

Should they not do anything a bit more productive?

E

2009-01-22T23:05:00.000+01:00

I’m quite hooked on Entourage.

Vinnie Chase is quite alright, although E is my favourite. He is the one having it together, getting things done. He is actually the one getting the good girls, despite Vincent’s million dollar hair.

Anyhow, Entourage rocks.

21st

2009-01-21T23:50:00.001+01:00

15 months ago I went to a party.

I brought a date to that party.

Kevin + 1

15 months later, wherever I go, it is still Kevin + 1

Revolutionary Road

2009-01-21T00:02:00.001+01:00

Now this movie I’d like to see.

All my friends

2009-01-20T01:48:00.001+01:00

Click after click I slowly sink into a deep melancholy that can only disappear through writing.

They smile, laugh, dance. They grow, befriend and after some time learn to love the people around them. They talk, they think, they feel, they speak, they live.

And through the computer screen I watch them.

So many lives that I have graced. So many different souls that have graced me. And never will they become more than that. Only acquainted, condemned to live not together with, but out of reach of these individuals.

And as I watch them, I feel that I should have never let go of them. I should have been there, even if only around the outskirts. But I should I have been present in some way.

Perhaps there is some way back.

Most probably not.

A job for a real man.

2009-01-19T22:57:00.001+01:00

A job.

In the sunny down-under land of Australia. Six months on an Island, feeding fishes, cleaning a pool, delivering mail, writing, blogging, exploring, taking pictures and all the while getting quite a salary for it.

I might… I just might, apply for the job.

Should I?

Sunday

2009-01-18T14:20:00.001+01:00

And on the plate today?

Gomorra. The movie.

A moving picture based upon the bestselling novel by Roberto Saviano.

Youth!

2009-01-16T23:53:00.000+01:00

I am still young and full of vigor.

I just wrestled my father to submission earlier.

Ha.

23, by Jimmy Eat World

2009-01-15T23:35:00.001+01:00

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

Bonaparte himself

2009-01-15T13:02:00.001+01:00

And there he hangs, day after day, watching out for ghosts and other menaces.

I must say, I do feel quite safe.

Wouldn’t you?

quite too early…

2009-01-15T08:10:00.001+01:00

So Josefine just ran off. She has school, and thought she’d bring me down with her this early morning. Now I’m up at 08.08 with nothing to do and nowhere to be, except I don’t want to go back to sleep.

Suggestions?

Nothing at all

2009-01-15T00:40:00.001+01:00

I did actually not plan this day to be as eventful as it turned out to be. And even though I only spent about 20 minutes outside my apartment today, I have been very social and have had quite fun.

I spent the first half of today talking with my friend Bilal on the phone. After lunch (4 pm?) he came over and we talked some more.

This evening Josefine joined me and we have, until now, been playing the computer game Spore (from the developers of The Sims).

All great fun, while my blog went neglected.

Sorry guys.

See you tomorra’.

Fake Empire, by The National

2009-01-14T02:19:00.001+01:00

I first heard this song, and saw this video a long time ago on a blog I follow quite intently. When he posted it, he wrote “The National Fake Empire”.

I thought that was the title of a movie, and that the video was a trailer.

For about 30 seconds, maybe I minute, I really wanted to see the movie “The National Fake Empire”.

What a title, aye?

Hear hear.

London.jpg

2009-01-14T00:42:00.001+01:00

I don’t know if it is even possible, but if you have for any reason missed that I flew to London over the weekend, you may now feel stupid.

And though words at times might be found superfluous, you are so lucky that I do take pictures.

Enjoy.

a little vanity never hurt anyone

2009-01-13T21:08:00.001+01:00

Just an outfit composed with the clothes bought in London (some of many clothes, you should know). Hopefully, I won’t find myself walking down the street next week feeling as if I’m dressed the way everyone else is.

I mean, these clothes aren’t the most original ones, but they’re quite special and different even though they’re basic. Small quirks, details. Individuality in the design. And then again, they are all from London!

Anyhow, I’m really satisfied with my purchases and I’m not at all focusing on the fact that my wallet is quite empty. Okay, not quite, but really completely empty.

Ah well, I have my clothes and my health.

I’ll live.

just, thoughts

2009-01-13T20:07:00.001+01:00

I could really imagine moving there some day. Moving there, and perhaps staying. It’s expensive, it’s small, the air is bad, the streets are crowded, the weather condition is seldom ideal.

Yet I really fell in love with London.

As I thought I would.

Perhaps one could rent a small apartment, probably one or less rooms, forced to eat less than a meter from where you piss. But I wouldn’t mind. I could study literature, write, go out, take strolls around Hyde Park. I wouldn’t mind.

Or at least that is what I’m telling myself.

I can write here. I can study. I know people here, I know the town, my town. I’m comfortable with the time the buses and trains go, how the grocery stores look and smells and how my Swedish milk tastes.

My life is here.

So how come I feel really drawn to something else? Is it boredom? A search for something, anything, new?

Why London? Why not the States? Or Australia?

I enjoyed my stay. I really enjoyed London. Extremely, immensely, deeply, with passion.

Boy is back in town (?)

2009-01-13T18:51:00.001+01:00

So I’m back from London.

Arrived yesterday and still haven’t settled.

Just let me unpack and I’ll tell you all about it.

Promise.

!

2009-01-08T04:19:00.001+01:00

And we’re off to London!

Somedays

2009-01-06T23:46:00.001+01:00

The distance from one person to the other.

Sometimes I really don’t know. That is how well I can formulate it at the moment. I just don’t know.

What is it that drives people?

The simulation of a vacuum within your chest. And it is not empty, but it is there. You don’t want to be where you are but you can’t seem to rise from the hard wooden seat. It does not matter at all how uncomfortable it makes you. The world around you is yours and more likely than not, you will not try to change that fact.

The achievement of something great.

To set me free. To release the pressure, to fill the hole. To paint the heart red and the mind white.

I want the image in the mirror to be me.

To write ones heart out in the manner of words, houses, pictures, laughs. To embody yourself in the cheap quality rooms of the new mental hospital. To express your spirit through the loving faces of your wife and children.

I want to find myself in the life I have chosen.